Alanie's Thoughts

Reality Sucks Sometimes

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 01:54:41 GMT

My mind has always liked going through cycles. The length of the cycles vary, but they are predictable none the less. I had a major high point over the Summer living and working in Yosemite and now that I'm back to this place, it's bound to affect my mood. The fact that I'm not in any classes that really help me or that I care about hinder my happiness as well. I need purpose, progress (even if progress is slow) and eventual results to really feel good about what's going on in my life . I'm not one for treading water, I suppose. This part of the cycle will be over soon. I'll feel better and take better care of myself again.

We're all stuck in this reality and need to learn to navigate it. I was talking about the appeal of living as a traveling bum/hobo the other night with friends. The freedom and lack of commitment to anything and everything appeals to me. It involves danger of course, as does everything else. Everyone dreams of freedom and lack of responsibility, I probably imagine it in a different way than some, but it's a still a common theme amongst most of the human race.

It's good to realize that there are other options out there. It' good to consider them, even. It's also ok to stay right where you are. I've always believed in people doing things for the right reasons. Changing your reality because you feel you should or because someone else feels you should doesn't really work. You have to want it. It's good to be mostly sure as well.

I'm not really sure what I'm talking about here. The main point, I suppose is that sometimes I'm unhappy with with my particular reality, I'm aware of others and I'll probably get over it soon. Reality is just that and I need to stop complaining, chya know?

And Now...The Feminist thought of the day

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 18:50:54 GMT

I'm a bit of a feminist. I got into it because of my brother who's interested in it himself. I'm not an activist type and some of my opinions on certain feminist issues would probably outrage a lot of feminists. So yeah, there's that. On to what I originally set out to write about.

It frustrates me that society teaches us that there are two type of women in the world; The Virgin/Mother and the Sex Partner/Non-Marriage Material. There are the good girls who are going to be loved, get married and be respected and the bad girls that are going to get laid, stay single and never be considered for serious relationships. Both versions in my opinion, suck.

The good girl is seen as needing help and being innocent and therefore can't have any exciting sex or deviate from the normal "good girl" plan. The bad girl has just as many limits. They can't be considered for a real relationship and are worth less because of their choices.

Ideally, a woman should be able to screw a guy on the first date and people won't think less of her. Sometimes this works out. But still, after that she can't be turned into a girlfriend. She's not girlfriend material.

Why can't she be both? Why can't you have dirty hot sex with your devoted wife? Why can't the girl who screws who she wants be your girlfriend? Why does it matter how many people she's been with before or how long she waits before she gets into your pants?

It's because of the Slut. The Slut is a bad person who don't respect her body, the sanctity of sex, and should be used and abused but never respected. She also doesn't exist.

Usually, a slut is someone who uses sex in a way that makes others uncomfortable. Be it to get attention, to gain power, to just entertain themselves, or if they don't put put (as illogical as that is). So those who've been made uncomfortable label these women as "sluts" and walk away.

I've had sex on the first date and just the other day I was called a slut because I didn't talk to a guy who tried to hit on my roommate and I as we walked by. I used to subscribe to the two types of girls idea and I thought some girls were sluts. You grow and you learn though. You realize that everyone has different views and you don't push your ideas and values onto others.

Climbing and Hiking for Fun and Profit!

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 17:09:19 GMT

've always valued my health and tried to balance that with my never ending love of good food and vegging out. I'm conscious of what I eat and I exercise a lot (walking to class, pilates, dance, etc). Once I've got myself a job and therefore money, I've been planning on going on weekend hikes and bouldering trips in Joshua Tree and other places. I want to join a climbing gym and maybe take classes, but again, money is an issue. So is time.

School always comes first unfortunately and that makes things difficult. However this quarter is pretty simple, only two truly academic classes. So, once I do find a job, math will be done and I'll see if I can afford a gym membership and/or classes. I'll also see if I can afford the time on the weekends to go on adventures. Maybe I can drag friends with me? I know Claudia will go. :D

I want get stronger and maybe next summer, when I go back to Yosemite, I can do some boulder problems I couldn't before. Also, I might be able to hike farther and faster, covering more ground. That would be ideal. There's still a lot I want to try and see. If I just go bouldering once between now and then, I'll consider that progress.

Spring Break is going to be a great opportunity for hiking and climbing since my roommates love that kind of thing too. It's going to be wonderful.

Awkward Much?

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 09:03:52 GMT

It's difficult for me to read other people's actions when it comes to interaction between them and myself. Usually people have to hit me over the head with things or spell it out. I'm smart, but I can still make things awkward sometimes. For instance, I apparently made my new roommate a bit uncomfortable by telling my father that people were getting laid in Yosemite despite the lack of personal hygiene (shaving legs specifically). I can be a bit oblivious sometimes.

Sometimes I get a kick out of making people uncomfortable sometimes. It's bad, I know, but sometimes people need to venture out of their comfort zones. I can be pushy. That's usually only people I don't give a fuck about or I'm very comfortable with. I can be terribly blunt about it too. "Yeah, I think you're running away from your issues. Talk to me about it." I'm not into subtle. That can make things awkward, being blunt about sensitive issues.

I suppose that I just like honesty and straightforwardness. Always have. This has just been on my mind today. Stuff to think about.

Death and Yosemite

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:57:34 GMT

You can't choose your relatives.

My grandmother and I stopped relating about the time I started having true independent thought. She was a woman from the midwest (Colorado) raised in a time when things were just so because they had always been that way. I was raised in the City unsheltered and encouraged to go against the norm. So, we didn't have much to talk about.

I found out she had died just after breakfast one day at White Wolf. I was a bit stunned at first, got the details of her death and went to go find John, my manager to tel him I might have to leave WWL early. I went and found Anna, one of my closer friends, and I cried. Not for long, but I think it was enough.

I kept thinking about my grandmother the last two weeks of WW, I didn't have to leave early. Then I came to remember that things come into your life and leave them just as easily. I made lots of new friends this summer, some I hope will last me a long time. I also lost a family member. Now that I think about it, one of those friends came to us because an employee died. So things come and go, you just have to decide what to focus on. I'm going to focus on what I gained.

Grace Obray - Rest in Peace. Hope you enjoyed it.

Back Home, Back to Writing

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 03:23:15 GMT

Summer 2009 was spent in Yosemite National Park working at White Wolf Lodge. I went into it being worried about how I was going to adapt, if I would meet anyone I could actually deal with hanging out with for extended periods of time, and whether I would lose my mind. Fortunately, I did not need to worry.

I figured it out pretty fast that the people at White Wolf were pretty damn cool. One of the first things we did was try to cram as many people as possible into one port-a-potty. I managed to snag the best roommate ever, and work was hard, but simple.

I got to go on several cool hikes, learned about bouldering, climbing, and did a bunch of things that I never had before. I'm going to save bragging for later; I did some stuff I'm proud of.

I hope to return next summer, even though I'm sure a lot of people won't be returning. I'll meet more new people and it'll be rather spectacular.

Now that I'm back, I have to turn certain parts of my brain back on and charge forward into this quarter of school. The registrar's office has decided to screw me over again by dropping my classes. Now, I will have to register late and take classes I'm less than excited about. Then again, most classes are less than exciting at one point or another, so it will most likely be like any other quarter. CHARGE!

I'm looking forward to seeing my roommates again, staying up late talking about sex, life, love, philosophies, strategies, and useless things. I missed you Ellen, Claudia and Amber.

I'm glad to be coming back to Daniel, Julieta, Corwin, Kevin, Samantha and my family.

Glad to be back, sad to leave and happy to return.

Love and Peace

ANIME EXPO STAFFER, PLEASE!

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 09:15:09 GMT

You wanna be one? I might be working in Yosemite over the summer. if you're interested in doing it, go ahead and comment me or something. pleaaase?

100th blog (on myspace): Passion and Drive

Wed, 27 May 2009 20:21:38 GMT

I get a lot of my ideas for my blogs from my conversations with my friends. My friends just happen to be people with interesting ideas and observations when it comes to life, the universe and everything (42). That's what I love about my friends. They make me think about anything and everything.

Specifically, I was talking about with one such compatriate about their feeling of lacking passion in their life. They missed it and wanted it back, but were not sure when and where to find it.

Passion seems to be a pretty rare thing; be it for another person, an idea, a country, a career or an interest. Most of the population settles for what keeps them satisfied and brings food to the table. It can be tiring holding out for passion. Waiting for that one thing that makes you, individually happy and inspired. That's why people settle for things that seem to make other people happy and satisfies them. The drive to truly work for that level of happiness and passion is not easy to keep going.

I know I falter sometimes.

So what am I passionate about? I have some ideas. I think I need to explore them more.
-Animation: Nothing gets me going more than a piece of high quality animation. I will watch animated movie with bad stories just because the animation is so cool (Titan A.E.! Ahh, Don Bluth).
-Visual Art: I tend to freak out when I find a piece of art really does something to me. It moves me and makes me want to be better artist. Creating art does a lot for me in theraputic sense and it helps my ego sometimes too.
-Those I love and care about: This might be the biggest of the three. I feel great importance when it comes to being a good friend and it disturbs me greatly when I'm not. I feel guilt still about a lot of things where I feel like I've wronged someone. I bothers me the most. One of my main goals in life is to be a dependable person that my friends and family can go to for comfort, advice and help.

I've been, so far, unsuccesful at becoming the person I want to be: Successful, independant, strong and caring. I let things get in the way and I've "fallen behind" as it were. I almost gave up completly once.

I'm not going to give up. I know what I want in very general, non-specific terms. I'm not sure what my goal for career or even my personal life is specifically; marriage? Kids? Animator? Psych? Etc.

Either way, it's always more about the journey of finding your passion than actually finding it. Keep exploring things that interest you, and trying nw things. You'll find a passion and you'll need drive to get there.

*end preaching here*

No Dumb limits please

Mon, 11 May 2009 21:51:39 GMT

I'd say my biggest vice is sloth. I end up in a trend of being a lazy person and I tend to stay that way until something bad happens to make me get back to work. The depression problem has something to do with it, but I like to believe that it's just a bad habit of mine. I never really had to work hard for much so when things get difficult, i have a bad habit of just abandoning the effort and hiding under my blankets.

Plan:

+ Visit 2 professors in office hours, see what I can salvage. It's probably not as bad as I make it out to be.

+ Doctor's Appt.

+ Academic advisor appt.

+ Summer job search

+ Summer classes decision [Graphics, design and/or art]

+ Major change?

+ Finish greek statue and other color jobs

Myah! So many things to think about.

In other news, I've been thinking about what people are comfortable and what they limit themselves to. I was talking to a friend and he seemed to be limiting his personal/love life to one of debauchery and general lack of commitment on a long term. I don't know how much he's thought about it, but I think he's basing this thought on his behavior so far in life. It annoys me when people arbitrarily put limits on themselves without questioning why they do it even considering the possibility of change at a later date.

For instance, there are people that choose to wait until marriage to have sex. I don't mind if people actually study their reasons and make sure it applies to them. If they believe it's right for them for their own reasons, I say, "Kudos to you." However, if they grew up Christian and tell me, "God says no," then I take issue. They're subscribing to other's thoughts and policies without question or thought of their own. This bugs me. You're missing out on sexual fun because a man in funny clothes told you God said it was bad. Listen to yourself!

Anyway, I'm posting cool pics from Claudia's awesome B-day Celebration. Wee! [Facebook or myspace]

Lofty ideals. So lofty.

Mon, 04 May 2009 23:42:31 GMT

The human experience is very odd.

Most humans seem to forget that we’re just animals and our experiences are based on the same senses a rabbit has. We react to food in the same way cats do (Meow). We salivate, we sweat and we get carnal urges. Some people are comforted by the idea of being separated from the animals. To me, it has a lot of unseen implications. To me it separates me from my roots. I’m a creature on this earth just a much as the crayfish in the pond over there. Of course our days and societal expectations are different, but those are different between me and a woman born in Nigeria as well.

I don’t really attribute my separation to anything other than the societal norms that I was born into. Ants are born into a society that values the group over the individual. And digging. Lots of digging. My society entertains thought of loftier goals. I’m not sure if they really are all that more lofty. Termites build towers, we build skyscrapers. Human mothers would die for their children, or they abandon them for their own selfishness, I’ve seen and heard of ducks doing the same.

It comforts to me a degree that I have things in common with the mosquitoes and sturgeons. Makes me feel like my struggles and strife are really not so unique. Or even the struggles of the human race. Colonies of insects make war with each other. Lions kill the children of other parents. We’re not so much better. We’re not so much worse either. I like it that way.

Circling and Auras

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 04:27:22 GMT

Life has a way of circling back around on you. You watch a friend do something that you wish they hadn't, or you think you're done with a certain person and you don't want them around, then you find that you like having them around and their basic aura is soothing to you. This tendency that life has is good at making you look foolish. Personally, I think looking foolish is preferable to not exploring new-found possibilities though.

Bring on the foolishness.

I'm into auras. I don't mean in a new-wave way. I don't think they have colors, i don't think you can shape them or that they really effect you in any way ever other than vague impressions of people's personalities. You could call it the first impression too.

I think a person's very presence can calm or upset you. Well, at least it can me. I relax around certain people and others... Not so much. I mean, there's the initial awkward "I don't know you," phase, but that's normal. I can usually tell if i can hit off with someone pretty early. Not for the long term of course. You can't know someone's inner workings off their frakking "aura."

Ramblings.

I'm not sure what it means when someone's presence makes you relax and you just feel at home. It's nice. I know that.

Apology, Update and Rant

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 21:59:26 GMT

Apology:
The past couple of months, I've kind of disappeared from my Torrance life, some bad things happened and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I avoided the situation while I thought about things and dealt with other things in my life. I'm on a medication for Depression now and it seems to be doing good for me so far, despite making me even more susceptible to the effects of alcohol.

Even longer than the past two months, I've been neglecting some of my friendships; flailing in my lack knowledge on how to handle the bumps in the relationships. I've never been good with re-kindling things. If something goes south, my first instinct is to just drop it and try something else. However, people are not School Projects. Duh, Renee. Duh. So, I'm going to try to pay attention to my friends more, even if it's just sending them random texts that say "Meow" in them. I was being kind of selfish, not wanting to deal with other people's problems. Sorry.

Update:
In other news, This quarter at school seems to be going okay so far. I haven't fallen behind yet and I like my Philosophy class a lot. I'm more proactive and I think it might be rubbing off on people. Weee! I've been reading a lot more too. This is great, because I think it makes my brain work more and I just feel smarter lately. When i was depressed, i turned into a gelatinous mass of laziness and self-doubt. I've ordered some books off of Amazon and I've been reading the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris.

I'm not trying to be conceited either, but I've recently been looking in the mirror and saying to myself, "Not bad. Not bad at all." Which is nice. Every girl wants to feel attractive, and I've been feeling good about that lately. (I've also been getting a lot of complements on my ass, MUAHAHAHA!*brags shamelessly*)

Here's a nice pic from My Spring Break too, This was taken on the Angel's Landing tail in Zion National Park, Utah. We had so much fun, being dirty, adventurous, tough girls together for a week.

Rant:
It's sad that women's feelings of self-worth are so deeply rooted in the way we look. If we're too heavy, not girly enough, aren't pretty enough or aren't well groomed enough, guys write us off and look for the hotter girl. XP It's seriously materialistic and shallow. Guys lust after porn stars and models and actresses and that's the standard. it makes us feel like crap, being compared like that. We don't like looking like porn stars or acting like them. Actresses and models are helped out by serious amounts of pressure, professional trainers and photoshop.

(photo found at Cracked.com)

Look at that! You can hide pasty skin, dark shadows under eyes, cellulite, moles, fat wrinkles, brighten and resize their eyes, it's not real! NOT REAL. Girls stop comparing yourselves, and guys that's (see above) NOT normal or real. Deal. Plus, just because she's hot doesn't mean she's good in bed. *eyes you to get her point across*

Alright, I'm done now.

Photography Lovin'

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 07:25:16 GMT

I've been getting into photography more since I got my camera at Christmas. I've taken a bunch of pics since the plant life around here has started flourishing. Some of my favorites are on my DeviantArt. http://alaniesanar.deviantart.com

Please take a look and tell me what you think. I'll probably show off to you if happen to wander online.

lookie!

Major Sucks

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 07:15:07 GMT

Okay, so school and personal life recently took blows. I still have friends that keep telling me to call them if I need them and my family were staring at me with concern yesterday.

I'm doing VERY badly this quarter in school. My depression flared up like maherfucker and I fell back into my old bad habits. However, I recognized it this time and I'm not going to panic and drop out of school and run away to hide under my covers at my parents house.

I'm planning on finding a medication for myself that really works and evens out my mood throughout the day. The last one I was on worked somewhat, but I should try a couple new things this time around. If I find the right meds this time, I might be able to tolerate school more.

Next quarter will be better. Not sure how it could get worse...Haha.
So, I'm going to recover what I can of this quarter and adjust to the world around me as it changes

From Lovers to Friends

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 08:14:33 GMT

I invited a friend/lover of mine to hang out with me today so I could talk to him about how I was feeling like we were not actually dating any more. I feel like we were just hanging out as friends and that's what his feelings for me have been reduced to. Just friends.

I actually did not make myself talk to him face to face like I had originally planned. As soon as he walked out the door, I regretted not doing it and I panicked. I called him and In a weird, confusing way, I think I got my point across. He told me that he didn't feel anything for me other than platonic affection. He likes me, but not as anything more than a friend. I told him that I think it's time we ended the physical side of our relationship then. He was agreeable.

I don't think I could handle continuing to sleep with/fool around with a guy I have thing for and try to be emotionally unattached. Too hard, too risky. I can handle just being friends. This would be nice. He's a wonderful friend and has helped me with a lot of things and he even continues to offer me support even though I brought this awkwardness down on him.

I'm thankful for having a wonderful lover as long as I did. If there is anthing constant in this universe, it is change. I'm going to embrace this particular change and move on.

Another Year, Another set of Parties

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 19:06:06 GMT

I woke up this morning to the sound of my phone buzzing. It was my mom calling to remind me that it's my birthday and to the whole momism thing. That put a smile on my face.

Unfortunately, I don't get to get crunk tonight because I have a test tomorrow morning that is actually pretty important. Wish me luck on that. Studying all day! Weeee!

Saturday however is going to be fun. I've got all my friends coming over to hang out, drink, play games and generally do the party thing. My birthday parties are usually pretty succesful. Of course, I'm very easily entertained. Haha, as long as people have fun, I'm happy.

I have a dinner with family the next day, hopefully I won't be too hung over. Muahaha! I enjoy me some good get togethers

Plantastic

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 22:17:34 GMT

Today:
- Math: 11.3 (attend tutoring for first time)   6:30 - 8:00pm
- Run (20 min at least)                                    8:30 - 9:00pm
- Emails                                                              5 min

Tomorrow:
- Attend Classes (such as it is)                      7:30am - 3:50pm
- Math:11.4 (tutoring if needed)                       6:30 - 8:00pm
- Retrieve Art materials                                     10 min
-Talk with Prof. Fears                                        7:00 - 8:00pm
- Work on Collage Piece                                  2 hours

Friday:
- Run (20 min at least)                                       10:30 - 11:00am
- Psych Appt                                                         11:30am - 12:30pm
- Math:11.5 (tutor place)                                    1:00pm - 3:00pm
- Work on Collage Piece                                    3:30 - 5:30pm

Sat:
- Collage piece                                                    2 hours
- Math HW                                                             2 hours
- ART211 reading                                                1 hour

Sunday:
- Out w/friends?                                                    ? hours
~~~~~~~~~~~~                                                     ~~~~~~~~~
- Finish Collage Piece                                         ? hours
-Catch up work - ART141                                    2 hours

I'm Going to work it out

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 19:18:49 GMT

I'm slipping and I need to find a solution. I'm not doing too well in school It's my fault. My depression is back and I have to figure out how to manage it without a pill. It's not being easy, but I'm trying.

This down is making me tired, unfocused and self critical. I'm going to the CAPS office on friday and hopefully that will help. I don't like the idea of being on meds, but if that's what will get me through school, then so be it. School should be the #1 priority.

I don't like asking for help, and I'm not going to do it unless I really need it. I want to work this out on my own. I'll see what I can do.

Meanwhile, I finally got around to planing my B-day party. I kept thinking about doing something out, but I decided to just do our thing at home. Go look up the party.

How Many Times Can You Use the Word "Vagina" in One Blog?

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 01:39:28 GMT

Okay, before anyone gets up in arms, I'm fully for equal treatment respect between the sexes. I have pretty unique views when it comes to gender roles and traditional preconceptions. I don't believe one gender is better than the other, more intelligent, more worthy. Men and women are different. They compliment each other.

So when I say feminists are weird, I don't mean that feminism is weird. I'm mainly referring to the types of feminists that write plays like, "The Vagina Monologues." That was odd. Throughout the play, there is a strong metaphor between vaginas and women. A lot of these women used their vaginas as symbols for themselves. This is fine, but they brought up some odd issues. Like tampons. One woman treated tampons like a form of torture. Another woman blamed her husband for pain because he wanted her to shave her vagina. She could have said "No."

Yes, vaginas have endured horrible things over time merely because they are women. They covered these things too; rape, abuse, discrimination, female circumcision. However, I don't think it's right to put tampons and shaving on the same level. Those things are optional and easily controlled. Don't complain. I don't care if your vagina is angry, I'm annoyed and have feet to kick your vagina with.

I prefer not to identify myself as a vagina. When a list of adjective describing me comes up, "owner of a beautiful vagina" will never come up (that part of the play was ridiculous). If you feel the need to pay more attention your femininity, do that. You don't have to look at your vagina to do it. You don't have to masturbate to do it (at least, I didn't). Femininity is more than your vagina and the orgasms you have. It's a feeling, an aura, something not as easy to pin down. It's more ethereal than a vagina.

One is not one's vagina.

[Final Count: 13]

Art School? Hmm

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 21:51:13 GMT

So I've had a pretty miserable week because of my own bodily functions and the fact that it's the wrong time of the month. Suffice to say that I've been tired, irritable and possibly the laziest woman on earth. I'm feeling a bit better today. No headache and enough sleep can do you a world of good.

So I've got my plans for this weekend up and running. Ellen's B-day party tonight, hopefully a ride home tomorrow or late tonight. Roleplaying session on Sunday and a trip back to the dorm for more fun and games.

I'm thinking about applying for an art school. Otis or Maybe the art center in Pasadena. I need to look up more options, but Otis is a lot closer to home. I love my art classes. I really do. I feel like I'm getting more accomplished in those classes than the others. I keep getting very frustrated with my other classes. Math feels like a joke most of the time and Art History I can kinda understand why it's required, but the importance level seems very over inflated.

Most art school require a reasonable amount of studio art class credits for a transfer students. There is the option of applying as a freshman and transferring what credits I do have though. Or I can stick around here for a bit longer and build up some credits here. there's also summer classes at El Co and things like that. So many options, so little time. Hmmm. I'll make a decision soon. After more research.

By the way, take a look at my deviant Art. http://alaniesanar.deviantart.com

I've Ended It

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 08:16:08 GMT

I recently had to shut someone out of my life who used to and still means a lot to me. We have a long complicated history together and it hurt when I finally had to say "no more" to him. We used to be crazy about each other. We went everywhere together and helped each other through some really hard stuff. He was my first boyfriend and I still value the time we had together a lot. He affected me greatly. When we broke up, it was after almost two years and it was mutual.

After that, we were friends. We talked online, but we kept venturing back into the physical side of things. This made it hard for me to let go of him. He started doing some things that turned me off and we talked less and less. The next couple of times I saw him, we almost went back to being in a sexual relationship, but I put a stop to it. It had complicated things last time and I didn’t want to do it again.

I’ve dated a couple guys since him. One of them has lasted longer than a month (neat!), and I feel like I’ve moved on. However, My ex called me again needing emotional support, saying he missed me and still wanted to be friends. At first I thought this was okay. Then I realized how uncomfortable the idea of being alone with him made me. So, I told him I wanted to keep it just on the phone.

Then, the straw that broke the camel’s back came along in the form of emotionally desperate 4am phone calls. Normally, I’d answer the phone at 4am with no qualms. However, I had reached the end of my rope with him and I finally ended it.

I feel guilty that all the time and work I put into our relationship had to end this way. Every now and then I stare at my phone and wonder if I should try to talk to him again. Maybe I can help him. Maybe he only needs to talk. Then again, maybe he’ll want to see me and he’ll ask for things I can’t give him. Maybe I’ll have to turn him away eventually anyway. There are a lot of unknowns.

It’s sad and painful for me to throw an almost 5 year long friendship out the window. I invested a lot emotion into it and it hurt the first 3 times it ended and now it’s ending again. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you like I said I would be but, it really is over this time.

Keep Moving

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 07:28:36 GMT

I had a pretty bad week last week and I'm oing my best to relax. Unfortunately, I find it difficult to turn my brain off, especially when on my own. Let's keep track of the over thinking thing, shall we?
Otherwise, this weekend has been pretty relaxing. I've been melding with couch, I got my hair cut and my nails done, I went to dinner with the family, I saw Gran Torino, I got to hang out with one good friend, and I hope I'll see another tonight. Meow.
I need to pick up a few pieces when I go back to school on tuesday. Nothing I can't handle.There I go again, thinking about stuff I said I wouldn't. Haha, I'm trying. Forever trucking forward.
Maybe someday it might be a bit easier.

Currently watching:
Kiss the Girls
Release date: 1998-10-07

I Have no Patience for Anime Right Now. None.

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 00:38:26 GMT

Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

I watched Elfen Lied Sunday and Monday. I had been hearing stuff about this Anime ranging from rave reviews to jokes about the title ("Elfen Layed" Get it? Someone got layed? No?). I've been out of the Anime thing for a while except for my weekly doses of Naruto and Bleach (Except this week! AUGH). My trip back into the Anime world was abit dissappointing.

Elfen Layed is best known for it's graphic goreyness and nudity. Yes, it has plenty of that. Heads, limbs and boobies everywhere. The story was a might bit predictable though. It was obvious from the beginning that Kohta had repressed memories, that they were about Lucy/Nyu, and that she was in love with him. I did like that they were brave enough to kill off the main character and that the whole thing did not have a happy ending (I'm not counting the teaser thing at the end).

It seems that most anime always goes back to a few basic things: Awkward sexual tension, overly jealous/shy females, childhood trauma, and very depressed teenagers. There are others, but these apply to Elfen Lied. I'm getting tired of it. I like a romance as much as the next person, but if you're going to do romance, do it right. Don't make it childish and dumb. Also, why is childhood trauma the explination for almost every personality flaw an anime character has? can't people just be dumb jerks? I certainly know some.

Grrr. This is evil. I love animation. I went to anime originally because I could watch one of my favorite art forms and it wasn't just exclusively for little kids. However, if it starts getting redundant, I'll be very angry.

It can be good too

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 00:38:06 GMT

It’s obvious by reading my blog that I’m a very introspective person. I look at my own personality a lot. Some people I know say that I over-analyze myself and other things as well. However, I think of it as a gift and a curse.

Because I have an overactive imagination, I find myself having prepared myself emotionally for anything that people might throw my way. I’m not saying everything, but most. Also, I’m not saying that I’ll be unaffected, but I will have been expecting it.

I tend to expect the worst. Usually, the worst tends to happen. The bottom usually falls out, something finally goes right and then something else goes wrong. I used to break down and crawl under my covers hoping it would go away. Now, I actually make things work. Or at least I do what I can. By imagining every possible situation, I fill my mind with knowledge it can use later. I take refuge in knowledge or even theories. It’s the unknown that scares me

Updatey Goodness and Why I Worry

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 00:37:38 GMT

Current mood: accomplished

I worry a lot. A LOT. It's part of my anxiety problem. There's always something that I'm freaking out over illogically. If it's not school, then it's my friends. If it's not my friends, then it's work. If it's not work, then it's my family. It's bad. My brain pumps chemicals or something into my body that tell me, "you are worried that none of your friends like you." Of course, I know that if my friends didn't like me, they wouldn't be IMing, texting and calling me. I know this. I admit, my friends and me don't always talk regularly, but they know I love them. So, I just take a moment to tell myself, “This is just the result of chemicals in your brain. It’s not real. It’ll be gone soon.” This has worked better than any medication I’ve ever taken. I don’t let it affect my life.

In other news, the first week of school is over with and I survived it. I even got all my work done on time. You’re saying, “Wow, really?” and I’m responding with, “Yes. Really.” It took a couple nights of staying up till 1:30 or even 3:30am, but it’s worth it to not have to worry about the damn grades.I’m working on art stuff again. Not only for my drawing class, but just for fun too. I’ve got a pretty spiffy Kakashi coloring job going and I did a psychedelic drawing in my art journal.I didn’t get into the design class I wanted; it just didn’t work out in time. I was #1 on the waiting list, but nobody else dropped the class, so I couldn’t get in. I’m taking Economics instead. The lecturer is pretty cool, amusing and everything.

So everything was good the past week in terms of school and work. Personally it was pretty bad. I got some bad news from the doctor which has me worried, my brother was having romantic troubles and I miss my friends. Haha, I think I’ve had time to get over it though. I feel better. So, here’s to looking forward to next week!
A couple messages to those I’ve been thinking of:
Kevin: Yaaay money! Thanks.
Ashley: Next weekend. YOU.
Daniel: Yaaay job!
Mantha: YOU. 21. HB.