Alanie's Thoughts

 My mind has always liked going through cycles. The length of the cycles vary, but they are predictable none the less. I had a major high point over the Summer living and working in Yosemite and now that I'm back to this place, it's bound to affect my mood. The fact that I'm not in any classes that really help me or that I care about hinder my happiness as well. I need purpose, progress (even if progress is slow) and  eventual results to really feel good about what's going on in my life . I'm not one for treading water, I suppose. This part of the cycle will be over soon. I'll feel better and take better care of myself again. 

We're all stuck in this reality and need to learn to navigate it. I was talking about the appeal of living as a traveling bum/hobo the other night with friends. The freedom and lack of commitment to anything and everything appeals to me. It involves danger of course, as does everything else. Everyone dreams of freedom and lack of responsibility, I probably imagine it in a different way than some, but it's a still a common theme amongst most of the human race. 

It's good to realize that there are other options out there. It' good to consider them, even. It's also ok to stay right where you are. I've always believed in people doing things for the right reasons. Changing your reality because you feel you should or because someone else feels you should doesn't really work. You have to want it. It's good to be mostly sure as well.

I'm not really sure what I'm talking about here. The main point, I suppose is that sometimes I'm unhappy with with my particular reality, I'm aware of others and I'll probably get over it soon. Reality is just that and I need to stop complaining, chya know?

've always valued my health and tried to balance that with my never ending love of good food and vegging out. I'm conscious of what I eat and I exercise a lot (walking to class, pilates, dance, etc). Once I've got myself a job and therefore money, I've been planning on going on weekend hikes and bouldering trips in Joshua Tree and other places. I want to join a climbing gym and maybe take classes, but again, money is an issue. So is time.

It's difficult for me to read other people's actions when it comes to interaction between them and myself. Usually people have to hit me over the head with things or spell it out. I'm smart, but I can still make things awkward sometimes. For instance, I apparently made my new roommate a bit uncomfortable by telling my father that people were getting laid in Yosemite despite the lack of personal hygiene (shaving legs specifically). I can be a bit oblivious sometimes.

Sometimes I get a kick out of making people uncomfortable sometimes. It's bad, I know, but sometimes people need to venture out of their comfort zones. I can be pushy. That's usually only people I don't give a fuck about or I'm very comfortable with. I can be terribly blunt about it too. "Yeah, I think you're running away from your issues. Talk to me about it." I'm not into subtle. That can make things awkward, being blunt about sensitive issues.

I suppose that I just like honesty and straightforwardness. Always have. This has just been on my mind today. Stuff to think about.

 You can't choose your relatives. 

 

My grandmother and I stopped relating about the time I started having true independent thought. She was a woman from the midwest (Colorado) raised in a time when things were just so because they had always been that way. I was raised in the City unsheltered and encouraged to go against the norm. So, we didn't have much to talk about. 

 

I found out she had died just after breakfast one day at White Wolf. I was a bit stunned at first, got the details of her death and went to go find John, my manager to tel him I might have to leave WWL early. I went and found Anna, one of my closer friends, and I cried. Not for long, but I think it was enough. 

 

I kept thinking about my grandmother the last two weeks of WW, I didn't have to leave early. Then I came to remember that things come into your life and leave them just as easily. I made lots of new friends this summer, some I hope will last me a long time. I also lost a family member. Now that I think about it, one of those friends came to us because an employee died. So things come and go, you just have to decide what to focus on. I'm going to focus on what I gained.

 

Grace Obray - Rest in Peace. Hope you enjoyed it.